Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts
Why God Made Moms, part 2
What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?
Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that mom didn't have her thinking cap on.
Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.
What's the difference between moms and dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friends.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.
What does your mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.
If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?
Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that mom didn't have her thinking cap on.
Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.
What's the difference between moms and dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friends.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.
What does your mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.
If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.
Why God Made Moms
Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:
Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.
How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.
What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.
Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's mom like me.
What kind of a little girl was your mom?
1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.
Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.
How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.
What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.
Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's mom like me.
What kind of a little girl was your mom?
1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.
Songs of Christmas Answers
(click here for Quiz or scroll down)
1. Where do you hear Silver Bells? "And on every street corner you hear", Silver Bells… 2. Who danced with the silk hat on his head? Frosty, of course
3. Where do you find Reindeer Paws? Up on a housetop Reindeer Pause… 4. What did the noisy cattle do to wake the poor baby? The cattle were Lowing
5. When did I see three ships? I saw three ships come sailing in on Christmas day in the morning.
6. What size were the Kings of the Orient? They were tiny little Kings, they were wee…
7. What helps to make the season bright? Some turkey and some mistletoe, help…..
8. Who wants a pair of hop-a-long boots, and a pistol that shoots? That’s the hope of Barney and Ben - cause it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas…
9. Who still wants a hula-hoop? ALVIN!!! still wants a hula hoop
10. Who kept time to the drum? Along with the drummer boy "The Ox and Lamb kept time" ba rum bum bum bum
11. Who and what color was the animal that gave the hay to pillow his head? I said the cow all white and red , I gave him my hay to pillow his head (from "The Friendly Beasts")
12. The hopes and fears of all the years are met in "Thee" or in the little town of Bethlehem.
13. What would keep me warm all the way home? But if you really hold me tight, all the way home I’ll be warm. Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow.
14. What does Susie want? Jolly old St Nicholas says "Susie wants a sled"
15. Why does the child want his two front teeth? So he can wish you Merry Christmas or (whistle)
16. What was the other reindeer's name? (she used to laugh and call him names) Olive. "All of the other reindeer"
17. What was the horse in Jingle bells named? Bob "The bells on Bobbed tails rang"
I8. When will I finally go? I’ll wish you a merry Christmas, but I won’t go until I get some, (or figgy pudding)
19. What color is Christmas without you? Elvis said it would be a blue Christmas without you
20. What is the parson in the meadows name? Frosty says that he is Parson Brown. When we're walking in a winter wonderland..
Extra Credit:
Where does one go a wassailing? Here we go a wassailing amongst the leaves so green.
ABCDEFGHIJKMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ You noticed of course: Noel
Songs of Christmas Quiz
(answers to appear tomorrow)
1. Where would you go to hear Silver Bells?2. Who was it that danced with the silk hat on his head?
3. Where would you find Reindeer Paws?
4. What did the cattle do to wake the poor baby?
5. When did I see those three ships?
6. What size were those Kings of the Orient?
7. What is it that helps to make the season bright?
8. Who wants a pair of hop-a-long boots, and a pistol that shoots?
9. Who still wants a hula a hoop?
10. Who kept time to the drum?
11. Who and what color was the animal that gave the hay to pillow his head ?
12. Where do the hopes and fears of all the years meet?
13. What would keep me warm all the way home?
14. What does Susie want?
15. Why does the child want his two front teeth?
16. What was the other reindeer's name?? (she used to laugh and call him names)
17. What was the horse in Jingle bells named?
18. When will I finally go?
19. What color is Christmas without you?
20. What is the parson in the meadows name?
Extra Credit:
Where does one go a wassailing?
ABCDEFGHIJKMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ ?
The Mom Before Christmas
Twas the night before Christmas, when all thru the abode
Only one creature was stirring and she was cleaning the commode.
The children were finally sleeping all snug in their beds,
While visions of Nintendo and Barbie flipped through their heads.
The dad was snoring in front of the TV,
With a half-constructed bicycle propped on his knee.
So only the mom heard the reindeer hooves clatter,
Which made her sigh, “Now what is the matter?”
With toilet bowl brush still clutched in her hand,
She descended the stairs and saw the old man.
He was covered with ashes and soot, which fell with a shrug,
“Oh great,” muttered the mom, “Now I have to clean the rug.”
“Ho Ho Ho!” cried Santa, “I’m glad you’re awake.
Your gift was especially difficult to make.”
“Thanks, Santa, but all I want is some time alone.”
“Exactly!” he chuckled, “So, I’ve made you a clone.”
“A clone?” she muttered, “What good is that?
Run along, Santa, I’ve no time for chit chat.”
Then out walked the clone – the mother’s twin,
Same hair, same eyes, same double chin.
“She’ll cook, she’ll dust, she’ll mop every mess.
You’ll relax, take it easy, watch The Young and The Restless.”
“Fantastic!” the mom cheered. “My dream has come true!
I’ll shop, I’ll read, I’ll sleep a night through!”
From the room above, the youngest did fret.
“Mommy! Come quickly, I’m scared and I’m wet.”
The clone replied, “I’m coming, sweetheart.”
“Hey,” the mom smiled, “She sure knows her part.”
The clone changed the small one and hummed her a tune,
As she bundled the child in a blanket cocoon.
“You’re the best mommy ever. I really love you.”
The clone smiled and sighed, “And I love you, too.”
The mom frowned and said, “Sorry, Santa, no deal.”
That’s my child’s love she is trying to steal.”
Smiling wisely Santa said, “To me it is clear,
Only one loving mother is needed here.”
The mom kissed her child and tucked her in bed.
‘Thank You, Santa, for clearing my head.
I sometimes forget, it won’t be very long,
When they’ll be too old for my cradle and song.”
The clock on the mantle began to chime.
Santa whispered to the clone, “It works every time.”
With the clone by his side Santa said, “Goodnight.
Merry Christmas, dear Mom, you’ll be all right.”
Only one creature was stirring and she was cleaning the commode.
The children were finally sleeping all snug in their beds,
While visions of Nintendo and Barbie flipped through their heads.
The dad was snoring in front of the TV,
With a half-constructed bicycle propped on his knee.
So only the mom heard the reindeer hooves clatter,
Which made her sigh, “Now what is the matter?”
With toilet bowl brush still clutched in her hand,
She descended the stairs and saw the old man.
He was covered with ashes and soot, which fell with a shrug,
“Oh great,” muttered the mom, “Now I have to clean the rug.”
“Ho Ho Ho!” cried Santa, “I’m glad you’re awake.
Your gift was especially difficult to make.”
“Thanks, Santa, but all I want is some time alone.”
“Exactly!” he chuckled, “So, I’ve made you a clone.”
“A clone?” she muttered, “What good is that?
Run along, Santa, I’ve no time for chit chat.”
Then out walked the clone – the mother’s twin,
Same hair, same eyes, same double chin.
“She’ll cook, she’ll dust, she’ll mop every mess.
You’ll relax, take it easy, watch The Young and The Restless.”
“Fantastic!” the mom cheered. “My dream has come true!
I’ll shop, I’ll read, I’ll sleep a night through!”
From the room above, the youngest did fret.
“Mommy! Come quickly, I’m scared and I’m wet.”
The clone replied, “I’m coming, sweetheart.”
“Hey,” the mom smiled, “She sure knows her part.”
The clone changed the small one and hummed her a tune,
As she bundled the child in a blanket cocoon.
“You’re the best mommy ever. I really love you.”
The clone smiled and sighed, “And I love you, too.”
The mom frowned and said, “Sorry, Santa, no deal.”
That’s my child’s love she is trying to steal.”
Smiling wisely Santa said, “To me it is clear,
Only one loving mother is needed here.”
The mom kissed her child and tucked her in bed.
‘Thank You, Santa, for clearing my head.
I sometimes forget, it won’t be very long,
When they’ll be too old for my cradle and song.”
The clock on the mantle began to chime.
Santa whispered to the clone, “It works every time.”
With the clone by his side Santa said, “Goodnight.
Merry Christmas, dear Mom, you’ll be all right.”
If You Give A Mom A Muffin
by Kathy Fictore, adapted from If You Give A Mouse A Cookie by Laura Numeroff
If you give a mom a muffin, she’ll want a cup of coffee to go with it. She’ll pour herself some. Her three-year-old will spill the coffee. She’ll wipe it up. Wiping the floor, she will find dirty socks. She’ll remember she has to do laundry. When she puts the laundry in the washer, she’ll trip over boots and bump into the freezer. Bumping into the freezer will remind her she has to plan supper. She will get out a pound of hamburger. She’ll look for her cookbook. (101 Things To Make With A Pound Of Hamburger.) The cookbook is sitting under a pile of mail. She will see the phone bill, which is due tomorrow. She will look for her checkbook. The checkbook is in her purse that is being dumped out by her two-year-old. She’ll smell something funny. She’ll change the two-year-old. While she is changing the two-year-old the phone will ring. Her five-year-old will answer and hang up. She’ll remember that she wants to phone a friend to come for coffee. Thinking of coffee will remind her that she was going to have a cup. She will pour herself some. And chances are, if she has a cup of coffee, her kids will have eaten the muffin that went with it.
No Housework Day
Today is National No Housework Day.
.
So ladies, take the day off and enjoy the mess.
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